Feel the f*ck out your feelings

Especially if they are not sports related

It has been a week whānau, filled with all the big feelings. So I am sidestepping sport (mostly) to bring you something different.

I am thirty five years old and it’s taken me maybe a good 32 of those years to realise it’s okay to feel things. Which is a bit of a ridiculous thing to admit but hey, what’s the internet for if not oversharing?

For a long time, I had a more traditionally masculine socialised response to my feelings. In that anger was the most easily accessible and expressible. That’s still probably true. Whenever a big feeling raises it’s head, I first understand it as anger. And then to repurpose the old phrase, I sit with it long enough to learn it’s real name.

So who are you sitting with? I’ve got a pick a path of options from here depending on your answer.

1. Anger
2. Sadness
3. Anxiety
4. No feelings, distraction pls
5. I can’t put my finger on it…

So scroll here to take what you need but please note, this is just me your inbox pal offering my two cents. If the feelings are too big, I trust you to find a more appropriate guide to help you navigate them.

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A classic for good reason

ANGER

Ahhh rage, the most deliciously intense and misunderstood expression of love. You are my favourite feeling because you are unbridled energy that will motivate action. This is excellent as there is much to do. So while that light is burning bright, get stuck in!

My question for you, what is the topic you feel the most angry about? This reveals the work to be done. Google the topic you find most infuriating and you will most likely find there is already a collective plugged into this issue. Join them.

For me this means making my plan to attend the Hīkoi mō Te Tiriti when it hits Wellington on 19 November. It’s donating to my local Pride collective, Te Ngākau Kahukura o Te Awa Kairangi, who are currently being matched dollar for dollar on their fundraising efforts thanks to Give Out Day.

Don’t fear your rage, channel her. So much of the good in the world was born from folks getting really pissed off.

This is meant for physical health but we can repurpose it here surely…

SADNESS

Perhaps the most human of responses to the pain of current events. If you hold a big, beautiful, open heart is going to take more in than most. It’s no wonder then that it leaves you feeling bruised.

When you are treating a physical bruise, the advice we used to get was RICE. I think you can apply the same to your heart now to ease the sadness.

• R est - Take your leave from discussions both on and off line. You are allowed to tap out from the chat so that you can regroup. It’s a long fight ahead of us, you don’t need to be in the trenches of the comment section right now.

• I ce - Related to rest, taking a cool down period from certain content and or people is probably a good plan right now. Doom scrolling is called that for a reason. I recommend engaging it the most frivolous of tv show re-runs instead. Dawsons Creek has carried me through some tough times #TeamPacey for liiiiiiife.

• C ompression - aka hugs. Friend hugs, family hugs, lover hugs, animal hugs or heck, even just grabbing your pillow. Get in touch with those you love and give ‘em a big ol squeeze.

• E levation - Lift yourself up by doing something just for you. That might be more literal like climbing a hill to look at a view or perhaps it’s your spirits instead by spending time with things or those that bring you joy.

A queer baiting banger that is now running through your head, running through your head

ANXIETY

So your buzzy brain is now imagining all the cascading futures rolling out from here. Offt, it’s a lot. There’s two ways of tackling this noise - distract or impact.

Just like my old laptop, sometimes this whirring can be a sign of overheating. In which case it might be better to distract yourself right now. Refer to our sad mates RICE list above for the type of self care you can engage in.

Otherwise, let’s focus on the things that are within your control. Instead of racing through the five different ways you believe the world may end, let’s check back into the world around you. Ground yourself in the good. What’s the one thing you can do right now to make things better for you or someone you care about. When you feel bad, do good.

NO FEELINGS, DISTRACTION PLEASE

A very cool thing actually happened in women’s rugby this week. Ticket application* opened for Rugby World Cup 2025 and World Rugby announced that 130,000 tickets have been sold during pre-sale.

THIS IS HUGE!

Rugby World Cup 2021, played in 2022 was the record breaker for our global tournament but this pre-sale figure is already 87% of the total attendance of that event. It’s also nearly three times the total attendance of the 2017 Rugby World Cup.

A reported 55,000 of these pre-sales have been for the final. The last time England hosted one of those, there were 13,253 in attendance. So this is a 315% increase in this market in 14 years. And the sales are yet done.

Whatever way you cut it, the result is undeniable. Women’s rugby is on the rise!

I CAN’T PUT MY FINGER ON IT…

This week, the events in both national and international politics have been the icing on the shit cake that’s been baking for a while. The stench now undeniable, filling all of our houses as the timer dings. In a weird way, my feeling in response is almost one of relief or perhaps it’s resignation.

The fight for those with my particular palate remains the same. It’s against the structural inequities that are perpetuating harm. It’s for collective solidarity. It’s about taking ownership for what part you play in unlocking both of these things, weaving yourself tightly into your version of community. While the opposing worldview had sanitised itself, we were left punching at ghosts.

It’s been a constant dance around shifting definitions. It’s not racism, it’s not sexism, it’s not transphobia, homophobia or ableism, we’ve been told. Except it is, it is, it is. And now at least, there’s no denying that.

Of course, I resent that pain must become so acute, so all encompassing, that those more comfortable can’t ignore it. Unfortunately this is the way of our world. We have built layers upon layers of disconnect, insulating ourselves from each other’s reality. It takes a bitter chill to cut through.

With one side of the argument now so clearly defined, we can more confidently make our own. Away from the centre, we must give nothing to the ‘isms and ‘phobias. Our future is uncertain as it has always been but the fight isn’t.

So feel the fuck out of your feelings. Sit with them long enough to learn what they calling you to do. Listen then act.

With you,
Alice